I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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