you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Dick very happy bro
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
