So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
