I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
