Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
