he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
