it wasn't lemon gatorade
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
