Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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