I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
