So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
