someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
