If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
