i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
