I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
