Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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