She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
