Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
