we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
