I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
