I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
