I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
