I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
