you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
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It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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