If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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