If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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