my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
