Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
