note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
