shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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