There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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