Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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