i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
