Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
