my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You can't motorboat a personality
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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