just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize