A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
