I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
