it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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