Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
