she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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