i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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