he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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