Whod you bang
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
