Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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