if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
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I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
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The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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