Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
