I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
