Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
