Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
