the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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