im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
