You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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