I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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