My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
