It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
