My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
