They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
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