Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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